DON’T CALL ME ABOKI!

Don’t call me Aboki-Don’t call me a Mallam

So here I am in Lagos in the studio with everybody introducing themselves to me-the new guy. First, it’s;

“My name is, Bola, Bisi, Ola, Oke, Chioma etc”

And I’ll reply “Mine’s Beevan.”

“You have a nice voice, where are you from?”

“Oh-thanks! I’m from Kaduna State!” And I’ll try to keep my straight face friendly.

“You are Hausa!?” To me, that usually doesn’t sound like a question. It means that they know I am Hausa. But am I???

Precious is an amazing presenter who turns out to be quite friendly and outspoken at the same time in the studio. You know one thing with presenters is that, they always bare their opinions- kii Yaseuf!

We got talking about food and she’s of the opinion that we Northerners don’t have variety when it comes to food and Tuwo is the only food we have.

One- Zero!

How do I explain to this ignorant girl that Pete is a delicacy unlike others. Karkashi. Kunun aiya. Kunun Geda. Miyan Kuka. Kosain Doya/rogo. Acha. Gyoro. Dambu, Fura da Nono. Waina. Masa. Kilishi. Etc! But I kept it to myself!

Next thing in the madness, she addresses me as a Hausa Boy- ehn?! I’ve traced all of my genealogy from Mumsy and Pop’s side and there’s never been a mix up. Not even with the Jju or Ham, Gwoerok, Fantswam or any of the 56 ethnicities from Kaduna South. I’ve always been Atyap or Kataf as some people may call us. I don’t have issues with Hausa People. Mba! My closest Pal is even Hausa you see (that doesn’t stop me from blasting any Ha usa man wey F up).

Two-zero-Precious weydone!

She called me a TUSH ABOKI, saying that media saved my *ss if not, I’d have been out there carrying a box, making sounds like chakam-chakam-chakam, (the sounds made by the boxes shoe shiners carry along) and shining people’s shoes from streets to streets. I still no talk anything.

She called me a Mallam and I was prepared So I quickly borrowed from the words of Vayan Village boi who’s had a similar experience- and called her MGBEKE (she’s Igbo and Mgbeke means typical local girl) and like someone out of a trance, I went further to sing the song “mgbeke feeling funky ayayaaaaa-eh eh eh ayaya…” I was quite razz at that moment and I surprised myself with the way I carried out the dramatics. Amidst the uproar, our HoD (who grew up in KD) said “shebi you think say you get mouth, you have yourself a deal.”

It worked. She now calls me Beevan Darling!

Now what am I saying?

Those who don’t know should know that not everybody from the North is Hausa. It is therefore an insult to refer to us as Hausas. Coming from the north is enough and is not an automatic ticket to be called Hausa. You cannot call an Ogoja man Igbo just because they fall within a geographical location populated by Igbo according to Lord Laggard. An Ishan man cannot be called Yoruba for that matter.

The Aboki you call Northerners means “friend” and shouldn’t be used condescendingly. We all have chapters that don’t need to be open and I’m prepared to call anybody any ngba-tin-gbati and be referred to as a crazed clown. I believe a lot of Yoruba people won’t find it funny when it’s said that they are the dirtiest people in Nigeria (just saying) or that they eat lots of pepper so as to save cost (since too much pepper makes you drink water).

You can exclusively call a Hausa man a Mallam and I don’t know why. Let any Hausa defend this point abeg!

And if you want to call me an Aboki, do that in an amusing or appealing way so that we don’t get to quarrel.

It’s time we got back to our history books and learn more about Nigeria. Colonial masters identity 3 major ethnic tribes in Nigeria and didn’t limit Nigeria to three major tribes. Just to add a bit of spice to this write up, I’d like to let you know that Kaduna is not owned by the Hausa people. They may be the major ethnicity in the state but there are over (with emphasis) 56 ethnicities from the Southern part of the state who when put together have a higher population than the Hausa-Fulani put together. Jos has over 50. Adamawa has over 50. So believe it when it’s said that there are over 500 tribes in Nigeria who would not want their identity mistaken.

Once again, it’s unfair and ignorant of anybody to call all northerners Hausa.

CREDIT : BV BIVANGONI / NSG BLOG